why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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