I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
