Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
