The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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