Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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