so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
