Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
