My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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