Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
