her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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