We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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