I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
