There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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