Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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