when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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