the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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