I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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