Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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