They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
