someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I would ride that face into the sunset
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
