I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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