hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
