Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You need Xanax blowdarts
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
