i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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