omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
