I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
