I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
