My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
