I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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