I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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