my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
