The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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