So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
