honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
