I cockslap morals
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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