when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
