You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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