So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
