i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize