Im at strip club and am horny
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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