I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
