I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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