I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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