Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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