so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
