i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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