whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
