As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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