I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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