I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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