I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
