A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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