Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
