Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize