I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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