Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
