I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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