The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
