i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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