he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
