Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
